(Move over Santa, Law School Has a Whole New Jingle)

On the first day of finals, law school gave to me: a family that I never get to see.

On the second day of finals, law school gave to me: two…. late to register for exam soft Read the full story

“Study”

Let’s not kid ourselves, by study we mean “Cram.” It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The Read the full story

OK

I’ve got to read this case

We’re going to talk about it in class tomorrow

So I’ve got to get it done today

Alright, here I go

“Justice Field delivered the opinion…”

Field

that’s a good solid judge name

If I were a judge, I would want that to be my name

No, wait

My last name would be Judge

That way when I meet people I would say

“Hi, my name’s Judge, guess what I do for a living?”

And people would just get a kick out of it

Then of course if I wasn’t a real judge it would just be awkward

I would say, “Hi, I’m Judge”

and they would say in a joking manner,

“Wow you’re name’s Judge, don’t tell me you’re a real Judge!”

and I would say, “No, I’m actually an insurance broker.”

And then there would be an awkward silence.

Ok, focus,

Back to the case

“The plaintiff alleges his insurer, Hawaii State Physicians…”

Hawaii

Remember Hawaiian Punch?

That was a good drink

It was like a sugary version of Kool-aid

It had that small little pasty guy with the crazy red hair and the Hawaiian shirt as the logo

I’ve always wondered,

If he lived in a tropical place like Hawaii,

Why was he so pasty?

Considering the amount of sun they get over there

I would imagine everyone’s pretty tan out there

Maybe he’s a recluse

Yeah

He lives in Hawaii but has agoraphobia,

So he stays inside most of the time

But in order to compensate for his inability to enjoy the tropical scenery

His family tries to bring “Hawaii” to him

And they bring him a Hawaiian shirt, set a fake palm tree in his house…

They get him some fruit punch to boot

Then he becomes so touched by the sentiment he decides to share a little piece of Hawaii

All over the world,

For people who will probably never get to go

And thus the birth of Hawaiian Punch

That’s pretty inspirational

No, it probably didn’t happen like that though

Probably a soft drink corporation came up with it

Distributed it all over the country

But still… Read the full story

Give Yourself a Well-Deserved Break

With a daily schedule of reading, classes, more reading, and convincing yourself that putting Roman numerals sporadically into your notes makes it an outline, no one doubts that you have very little time for yourself. Lecture is the best time to remedy this situation. Use class time to update your Fantasy team, write hilarious inside jokes on your pal’s Facebook wall, and check out the latest scoop on TMZ.com. Everybody that sits behind you will cherish the fact that Val Kilmer replaced his six-pack with a keg. Plus, there is no reason to take notes. You can always email your seat-partner’s notes to yourself when they go to the bathroom. That type of ingenuity is worthy of praise.

Elevators: Principles to Live By

1. Always take the elevator, especially to get to the second floor. This expresses integrity.

2. When taking the elevator up, stand closest to the elevator doors when riding to the fifth floor and stand in the far back corner if you are stopping off on the second floor. This relieves elevator traffic.

3. Proudly switch out that old, Jan Sport backpack for a “rallied backpack/briefcase/wagon thingy” because they don’t take up space.

Externships are Optional

Don’t believe those people who swear that the externship program is oozing with awesomeness. There is something very fishy about the whole operation. Think about it; not only will you be paying thousands of dollars for the units, but you will be working FOR FREE. This seems like a bunch of hocus pocus. What could you possibly learn from a federal circuit judge, the City Attorney’s Office, or Paramount Studios as an extern that you can’t learn from Joe Schmoe’s law firm filing paperwork for $20 an hour? It’s not like the people you extern for would ever give you a recommendation or challenge you with applicable legal tasks.  

The Librarians Don’t Know Squat

Legal research and writing is confusing, oddly ruled, and very time-consuming.  It is too bad that your professors and the Blue Bible constitute your only avenues to ease a citation hangover. The fact that the majority of our school’s librarians are law school graduates who have served as paralegals, judicial clerks, and lawyers shouldn’t fool you.  They are librarians for crying out loud! How could they possibly help you? The nincompoop who told you that these librarians are the brain surgeons of their field probably goes to the University Of Phoenix School Of Law.

This is a Curve: Lie, Cheat, and Steal

Remember in undergrad when your friend asked you for notes because they had missed class to conduct a biology experiment with Captain Morgan? You gladly shared the notes, thinking to yourself, “I already know the material, what’s the harm helping him learn it too?” Those days were over the minute law school cordially introduced you to Satan’s curve of 2.9. If you share notes or help out fellow classmates, you might as well give them the exam. If you tell a classmate the rules of Integrity v. Conniving, you have guaranteed them an A, and you’ve screwed yourself into a B+.  Remember, law school teaches you rules. Just disregard the fact that 90 percent of exam points are determined by what you don’t learn, the ability to apply the rules. If anything, give them the minority rule. Legal networking is way easier with a high GPA.

Laws Assignment, Shmaws Assignment

Let’s get one thing straight: There is no “Legal Analysis and Writing” subject on the bar exam! Regardless, CRAC is a sham. Any format that begins with the conclusion is only evidence that someone was either dyslexic or drunk.  You don’t start a joke with the punch line, do you? When tackling your laws assignment just picture a plumber: CRAC kills.

Learn the Ways of a Scavenger

Sadly, you are forced, day in and day out, to eat the prison slop served in the Tea Room, and for good reason. It is much too dangerous to leave school grounds in the interest of grub. Even if you somehow worked up the courage to venture out, there are absolutely no places to eat in the area.  However, there are several tricks that may remedy this terrible dilemma. First, you might try the vending machines, which contain foods rich in salt, sugar, and white flour, crucial for any working mind. If that fails, strategically rotate between club meetings, which often provide food. As a last resort, the student refrigerators are often stocked with sack lunches that could easily be mistaken for your sack lunch. “Whoops! I could have sworn that that generic brown sack was mine.”  By the way, who is the genius with the Transformers lunchbox? I want to meet you.

Written by Chris DeClue, 2L